Test cricket -What’s testing us?

As I pen this down, the Ashes are well and truly under way- which would translate to England getting their customary beat-down in this famed series.  For all the noise that was made,  if the way the first test is progressing is any indication, it’s not going to get any better for England .  Their batting still shows some promise – with the likes of Kevin Pieterson and Flintoff sure to contribute in the future, but the tall order is to beat this Aussie demolition squad.  A simpleton (Katich),   Cribber Ponting , an offspring of a backstreet boy  copulated with a pomeranian Clarke , a compass North all are piling on the agony for the english.

The questions on both sides remain the less than inspiring bowling attack. Australia is currently undergoing a makeover of sorts,  with stalwarts such as Mcgrath , Warne etc being replaced, and the newbies are not exactly the greatest discovery since sliced bread.  England’s attack on the other hand blow hot and cold depending on the situation, conditions, weather and other such things as UFO sightings and the chances of a successful Harman Bewaja movie.

In test matches, I feel that it’s the bowling that can make or break a test match (along with the pitch and conditions). Recall the nightmare of a game where India took on Sri Lanka at Columbo (952 runs scored) etc. True , it was a world record, Jayasuriya scored a shitload of runs, and Nilesh Kulkarni (remember him??) took a wicket of his first ball delivery.  But what else can we possibly remember from it, except that it was just a miserable game no matter how you break it. Similar to this on-going game, where we know that an English win is highly unlikely in this game even by the end of the 2nd day and almost impossible by the end of the 3rd day ( unless the englishmen metamorphize into Laxman, Dravid, Harbhajan etc).

Games such as those,  drawn test matches, and the fact that there are fewer folks coming in to watch a game at the stands,  have caused many sections to ponder how to modify the format (4-day test matches anyone?)  so that we have less of it. The purists in all of us wouldn’t change a thing of course. If was the case, there would have never been any 50-over games, and there wouldn’t have been T20 games.  We’ll never know what’s good or not, but lets assume we HAD to change something (since change is permenant and all that blah), what would it be?

Typical to my (lack of) style and character(lessness), I’m coming up with  a couple  of random suggestions here.  I’d like you all to spit at, germinate, nurture, these and more ideas, and see what  do we think of all this.

1.  Have a first innings run-rate limit which the teams should be on par or over. This can be calculated and set through statistics (ground, teams involved,  seasonal conditions,  what not).  Not being on par with this could lead to some form of penalization – negate some of the runs scored for example .

Pros: run rate is probably a big criteria in test cricket for forcing a result in a game. If there can be some way of upping the run rate – it might go in a long way of making it more interesting

Cons: This might get too complicated . Similar to the DL method, enforcing teams to think in statistics might attract too much flak.  It is highly likely to cause more controversy if not thought through and tested well enough.

2. Keep the 5 day format – but allow substitutions (perhaps 2-3) .  Increase the stake for both teams in the deal. Imagine some of the possibilities. There could be a situation in the 3rd and final test of a series which a team is leading 1-0. There could be a situation where one team might have 7 bowlers (5 + 2 all rounders)  in the 2nd innings, and just 3 premiere batsmen in the game, just to force the result. Or a team is chasing 350 of 40 overs for a win, and you bring in someone like Yousaf pathan in (who’d normally find it tough to break into a test squad), to try to win it.

Pros:  It might add some excitement to the game, where some new permutations and combinations of players might cause renewed interest and increase possibilities of results.

Cons:  The strategy might not really be endearing to the purists, and the desired results (results, crowds) might not happen.

What do you folks think?  The rotten eggs and tomatoes are in the comments section. Feel free to throw some at this.

Jacob Oram reveals his true colours

When Jacob Oram was drafted in the Chennai Super Kings squad, there was a lot of hope and anticipation from its legion of fans. One hoped that they’d see some destructive hitting when he would bat, and some tight stump to stump bowling at the death for CSK, choking and clogging the opposition worse than the public loos in a local train station .  Dhoni, who seems to have a weakness for all-rounders of the Ajit Agarkar caliber (how else can one explain the inclusion Joke-inder Sharma in so many matches that even he,  if given the option, would  bench his own arse), promptly persisted with Oram in almost all the matches this season. Oram would then proceed to promptly appear in the chennai yellows as consistently as a paan stain on the walls of a government building, a fungus on moist brittania bred, a rash due to a tight tantex underwear… well, you get hte picture.

We all know how Oram did this season of the IPL.

Webster Definition

In IPL 2.0 (since its SOOO cool), here are his figures:

M    I    NO    Runs    Avg    SR
11    8    2    88    14.66    94.62

Bowling
M    I    Runs    W    Avg    Eco    SR
11    8    133    5    26.60    8.58    18.60

All rounder. Right.

For someone with a strike rate of below 100 in this format, an economy rate in bowling that looks like batting average (never a good thing for an all rounder no matter how you look at it), an experienced bowler who had  “Smack-me-coz-I’m-AKON’s-Biatch” tattooed on his forehead every time he came on to bowl at the death, he didn’t exactly have an argument in justifying his selection in the team.

Yesterday, India plays NZ in a warm-up game, and surprise surprise, Jo is included in his team. As team India cruises along, JO is brought in to the proceedings. A casual observer and follower of the game in the last few months would think that, oh alright, I guess the teams want this to get over fast, so that they can all go back to their rooms, get some food,  make long-distance calls to their families (or1-800-LoNELY in the case Warnie) /or simply do whatever it is  they do when they are alone in the rooms…

What we witness next is a 3-0-18-1 performance by Oram, taking the wicket of his clubmate Raina , and punking his other clubmate and captain Dhoni in the process. More disturbing would have been the fact that he bowled 2 relatively tight overs at the death, making Dhoni and the CSK think-tank scratch their respective heads and groins in no particular order in shock of what could have been when they sorely needed such control during their IPL adventure.

For Team India, it’s probably a little too early to panic. It was a warm-up game, and a loss here is better than a loss in the real thing. It also must have provided a few insights, such as:
1. the team composition didn’t exactly light the world on fire
2. Ishant sharma can do some damage in those conditions
3. Jadeja is pretty good -but he isnt there yet  – seems to lose his mojo when the going gets tough
4. Take nothing for granted (read: oram)
5. Rohit and Raina are the best bet for consistency – hope they continue on that vein
6. You can suck/not participate in IPL and still do well in the world cup
7. It’s good not to have hear/see/smell Modi

All said and done, the team will probably look like this:
Viru, Gautham, Raina, Yuvraj, Rohit, Dhoni, Y.Pathan, I.Pathan, Bhajji,RP, Ishant  (if Zaheer is fit , he probably replaces Ishant).

But the final word goes to Oram and his likes- thank you for raising the warning bell!

Black Caps ku whistle podu!

Thursday Conversations

( Rated “R” for language. Note to all those who read- nothing personal and this is not intended to be true! )

A conversation between Ponting, Hayden and the irrepressible Geoffrey Boycott.

Hey mai’te , how’z it goin today?

DON’T “MAI’TE” ME YOUNG MAN. YOU BETTER HAVE SOMEONE ELSE FOR THAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

o.k. I’ve got Mathew Hayden here along with me. You know Matt – my fellow Aussie.

ASSWHO? YEAH I DO. A MONSTER OF A MAN. A BEAST. AN ANIMAL

He is , isn’t he.

HE PROBABLY IS A NEANDERTHAL. HE LOOKS LIKE KING KONG ON STEROIDS.

Now hold on just a second Sir! You’re crossing the-

THE WHAT? WHAT HO? YOU’RE GOING TO CRY FOUL NOW ON ME? STOP ACTING LIKE A SISSY LAD. DON’T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A BUNCH AND GIVE YOURSELF A WEDGIE.

*tsk*

YOU WEAR PANTIES?

What? No!

OK. SO WHERE’S HE?

*hmph*

*farts*

:

:

: Hey punter. Hey there “mai’te”

DON’T “MAI’TE” ME YOUNG MAN. YOU AND YOUR PUNTER CAN MATE EACH OTHER IF YOU’RE SO KEEN ON HAVING A ROMP. GOOD LORD YOU’RE A PIECE OF WORK MAN. IS THAT A REAL FACE OR A CARICATURE? YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING THAT ARJUNA RANATUNGA ATE AND SPIT OUT OF HIS GUTS.

what th-?

SO WHAT’S UP “GAYDEN”. HYUK HYUK. THATS FUNNY.

*giggles*

WHAT’S THE MATTER LAD? YOU DON’T THINK THATS FUNNY?

That’s insulting.

IT’S FUNNIER THAN YOUR FACE. IT’S DEFINITELY NOT AS FUNNY AS PONTING’S BATTING AVERAGE AGAINST INDIA IN THE LAST SERIES.

Now wait a minute! I got that huge century in the league game against them.

YEAH I GOT A CENTURY IN THE BODYLINE SERIES BEFORE WORLD WAR 2. STOP BRINGING THE PAST UP LADS. YOU GUYS WHINED MORE THAN AMISHA PATEL IN THE FINALS.

Well yeah. But look at our consis-

CONSISTENCY CAN KISS MY HAIRY WHITE YORKSHIRE-BRED BUTTOCKS. GO HAVE A LOOK AT GABBA. I THINK YOU’LL STILL FIND M.S DHONI’S PISS ON THE FIELD, MARKING IT AS HIS TERRITORY.

That’s just not right!

I ONCE TOOK A SHIT ON THE GABBA. IN THE 70S UNDER THE LIGHTS. BEST DUMP I EVER HAD.

Ouch… easy there ma’ite….

STOP “MATING ME”.

Ok ok.. So what do you think of Symmo?

THE WHAT.

You know, Andrew Symonds.

OH HE’S GREAT. YOU AND “SYMMO” CAN COPULATE WITH EACH OTHER.

What the-?

HYUK HYUK. I’M FUNNY.

*giggles*

SYMONDS WAS TOO BUSY TRYING TO EITHER FEEL UP CRICKET AUSTRALIA’S BOARD MEMBERS OR A MALE STREAKER ON THE PITCH.

well, all the controversy put him under intense pressure –

I WISH I HAD INTENSE PRESSURE THESE DAYS. IT WOULD DO WONDERS TO MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS.

You, sir, are disgusting. Didn’t you once score a double century in a test but get dropped for slow run rate?

IT WAS AGAINST INDIA. HELL YEA I WAS SLOW AND STEADY. IMPENETRABLE DEFENSE. EVEN WARNIE THE NYMPHOMANIAC WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PENETRATE IT WITH HIS BAT OR OTHERWISE.

*giggles*

HYUK. THAT WAS FUNNY. SO HOW DID YOUR BOXING MATCH GO? DID HARBHAJAN KNOCK YOUR TESTICLES OUT YET?

It was against Ishant Sharma. That tall lad.

HE LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN JASON GILLESPE AND ZAYED KHAN. YOU KNOW BOLLYWOOD?HELL I’D LIKE SOME “BOOTY” FROM THERE.

I whooped his arse.

YOU COULDN’T WHOOP HIS POSTERIORS EVEN IF HE HAD HIS WHOLE ANOTOMY CHANGED AND CONSISTED OF ONLY A WALKING , TALKING PAIR OF BUTTOCKS. YOU’RE A LIAR AND A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. AND YOU SMELL LIKE A WET FUNGAL SOCK.

You’re terrible! I’m out of here!

Me too! I’m depressed and out of form.
NO. YOU’RE GAY, AND YOU JUST SUCK . AND I’M A FRIGGIN YORKSHIREMAN , LADS!

 

If cricketers were bollywood stars

Who would they be? I thought of some of the more popular ones.

Sachin- Shah rukh
Entered the scene with a bang, always had the talent, promised everything and more , are commercial hits and bring in the masses even now. But both somehow leave the viewers yearning for the glory days gone by, when one could actually score in style and one could act. Both look like alien mutants of their younger selves now, constantly re-inventing themselves but unable to capture the glory of the good ol’ days.

Sehwag – Shahid kapoor
Eerily similar to their Sachin/SRK counterparts in looks and style, but there’s an obvious difference in class. Both seem capable of the long run but agonisingly screw it up so often that you just wish they turn around and go away.

vvs Laxman – Nana Pataker
Middle-aged journeymen who’ve been riding on the wave of a couple of glorious performances eons ago. Seemingly never out of contention, but a performance from either is as rare as a caveman with broadband connection.

Ganguly- Saif ali khan
The indian bad-ass. Both have donned the role of a one-of-a-kind indian captains and villian with elan, attitude and style. After uninspiring debuts (Ganguly in Australia, Saif in gems like tere mere sapne) , they roared back in awesome style.

Yuvraj singh – Sunny Paaji
Fearless friggin’ warriors and sons of the country soil. One can almost imagine them scaring a cow to product 10 gallons of milk for them to gargle with. They expect themselves to go and kick the bad guy’s (and all his cling-ons) collective asses their own place, plant the Indian flag , break into a bhangra and come back. Their hands collectively weigh an incredible 67 kilos, so powerful that they often risk of crushing their balls when they harmlessly scratch it, as all us men do . Both look as if they’ve shit out their most of their brains , and only have their brawns left.

Gavaskar – Amitabh bachhan
Big shots in their own field, prestigious, well-read, and sort-of respected look about them. Still dabbling with their professions instead of spending their retirements taking their families out to Maldives or something. Both have Over-rated kids involved in the same profession, constantly under pressure often threatening to fade into anonymity. Shady politicians at heart.

Shastri – Emran Hashmi

“Shaz” and Kissomaniac for some reason always seem to be eying the women around. And we guys just can’t figure out why they actually drive some women nuts in their heydays. You know exactly what’s coming from their mouths (oft-repeated lines in one case and tongue in the other), just like the sun always rises in the east, just like you know the way to your bathroom, just like cow dung always stinks. O.k you get the picture. Both apparently spend all their mojos on screen and lead a less flamboyant life off it. On a side note, see if you can catch Shastri’s “bodybuilding” tips on ESPN/Star, it’s quite unbelievable that he actually gets paid for that crap.

Dhoni- Akshay Kumar
Playboy image , the ladies around them, and ambassadors of the metrosexual-meets-machismo hybrid. Something seems to be similar about the two- and it’s not just the modest beginnings. Both in recent times have been quite bankable and do a lot of khiladi level ass-kicking.

Dravid and Kumble – Nasserudhin Shah and Om Puri
Flash has never been their thing. It’s always been substance and hard work, and hardcore skills. Consistency more often than not has been their thing. While they will never be sachin/ AB/SRK, they don’t aspire to be either. Have a few stunningly terrible flops and some truly head-scratching decisions along the way in their career.

Vinod kambli – Manisha Koirala
Potential promise at the beginning but sorta kinda screwed up. Fat spoilt kids who don’t fit in anymore in the current trend. Think of it, the chances of kambli diving during fielding are as good as Manisha trying to fit into a thong – which will be like over sized pajamas to the deepika padukones of today.

Bhajji- Suniel Shetty

Overly-emotive and aggro little bullies, giving rise to suspicion that both are definitely OD-ing on testosterone supplements. Started out as Numero Unos but now have to contend with the agony of playing second fiddle to others. They have their moments in the middle of the game – a good crucial over here , a gut-wrenching “I’ll kill you, you baaass-turrrdd” and shoot with a bazooka there. But when it’s crunch time, they crawl into their respective holes and let the big boys take over. Both have a trademark constipated look often.

Agarkar- Nirupa Roy

Like the everlasting itch on the end of the nose, these have been there forever, and just wouldn’t go away. Their job is to simply bring doom and gloom from the moment they appear on screen, and both do it with incredible effect. One is just left to wonder if some things are meant to be. Just like one of them has ALWAYS been amitabh’s on screen mom, the other has ALWAYS been the hole in the teams umm..buttocks.

 

 

 

Sreesanth – Master Bittu

Excrutiatingly annoying- the type where you scratch your long fingernails over the blackboard. For those who don’t know master bittu, he’s an impish little blondish headed desi flower child in the centre of most plots during the 70s and 80s. The one blot in everything cute with kids. He’s the sort of brat who’d always get himself and everyone into trouble. The kid for whom the labourer father works for 27 hours a day in the sun , pulling rickshaws and that sort of ancient thing and buy him a loaf of bread. And he drops the bread on the floor ,claiming he wants peanut butter to go with it. The kind who you wanna bury in sand and kick the head into orbit.Always comes out unscathed in the end .

Srinath – Alok Nath

Both have this pained look about them , as if the whole world has conspired against them. If not , their awesome talent would have led to earth-shattering records and box-office hits. . Both are the epitome of terrible quiz masters, Srinath always asking batsmen questions outside the line of off-stump, and Nath asking his daughters, in-laws, god, and anyone else who could bear listening to him stuff about if he has left any “gaps” (kami) in the arragement of the marriage, if he has raised his daughter well inspite of being a single parent (pitaji and maataji), if the only crime he committed is that he is poor, which is

why his evil in-law counterpart refuses to accept his daughter etc. TORMENTED. Both never got their due answers.

Here are some of them:

Learning the “outswinger” grip from the mother of all moms

Sacrificial lambs – proverbial bakras

“I want my peanut butter!”

ugh…. no words.