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Archive for October, 2007

Rules of Road Rage and keeping your options open:

Posted by farkandfunk on October 15, 2007

1. Weave through the traffic like an accomplished bra-tailor and shout obscenities at everyone else in the morning. It gets your system all fired up, adrenaline and testosterone flowing out through your nostrils along with all the phlegm thanks to the pollution. Remember , expressing and venting your anger out on strangers on the road is great. It will help you be more calm with the people you know at work and home.

2.Try not to break the rules on the road. But don’t ever EVER spare the ones who do. Remind them of the rules as you drive by, cutting on the other side of the road. Show them the 2 handed birdie, the middle finger as you past them, with both your hands off the wheel. Don’t worry about the safety of others. They should know how to get out of your way. After all, you’re just reprimanding an evil-doer.

3. Pull alongside the offenders and start laughing hysterically at them. Ask them if they must be really proud and on the verge of stroking themselves for breaking the rule. Remember, laughter is good, especially when you’re laughing at someone else’s face. Start farting at will and follow them up with loud sounds and sighs of relief. Tell them how happy you feel to have shared that rather private moment with someone as incredible as him. However, if the driver has a chick next to him, look horrified and tell him how senseless and utterly disgusting he is. If the chick is hot and remotely sensible, she will not want to be with farty-two-shoes and she might get into your vehicle. Keep your options open.

4. If the driver is a guy and he has his wife/ gf with him, you’ve got him at a perfect time. Tell him how terrible he is at driving and that he learns the rules and how to drive first. Tell him it makes him look really dumb and silly. Guy would get so friggin embarrassed in front of his chick that he’d never do it again. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, there’s even a slight chance that she might walk out of his car and get into yours. Keep your options open.

5. If the driver is a girl/woman and has her bf sitting with her, express surprise at her bf’s ineptitude at not being able to teach her. Sympathize with her situation and tell her its really not her fault , and it’s that cave-dweller’s fault that she’s so fucked up. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she might kick the guy out of the car and follow you. Keep your options open.

6. Night-time offense- To annoy the driver behind you, start pressing and releasing your brakes to the beat of a timbaland song blaring loud from your system. The brake lights will provide a psychedelic effect like a 70s abba song on the sorry-assed driver’s face behind you. There is a possibility that there might be a hot chick in that car. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she will actually realize that you are uber-cool and walk out that car and get into yours. Keep your options open.

7. Those Cell-crazy bikers : These guys appear so because of their tendency to drive and magically fit the cellphone between their shoulder and ear as they drive by. They think they have supreme control of their two-wheelers,where as they are actually scaring the shit out with their curvacious projectile on the road. Don’t they just PISS YOU OFF?!?! Pretend that you are Count Dracula himself and stick your head out as you drive along side him and try to take a bite from your his exposed neck. There could be a chick who’s sitting behind him. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she might feel simultaneously charmed, mystified, scared and shocked by your act- most of which is enough to get drive them crazy. She may get out of the cell-obsessed jerk’s bike and ride with you. Keep your options open.

Sometimes, I sit back at home and ponder on some of the things I do on the road against those deviants. I think I may have lost it. Maybe some chick reads this and finds it amusing. If she’s hot and even remotely sensible, she’ll let me know. I’m keeping my options open.

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Shakespeare in Desi Context – from krishashok’s blog

Posted by farkandfunk on October 10, 2007

Will update more by the end of the day! Damn work! Click on all the pictures for a clear view of them.

1. Play:The Merchant of Venice.

Context :2 of the lead characters, Antonio and Bassanio , had a slightly homoerotic relationship (no, really). Here’s the dialogue in an indian context that really defines it. Read the RIGHT dialogue first, and then the LEFT 🙂

SRK and KJ

2. Play : Macbeth

Context: the 3 witches hailing the “entrance of macbeth” in the style of the old village ladies deep down south with all the noises

macbeth.jpg

3. Play : Romeo & Juliet

Context: Romeo and his cousin Benvolio (being Montagues) see Juliet in the Capulet party. Romeo takes interest in the “forbidden fruit”. Here’s an exchange in the quintessential TR style.

romeoben.jpg

Here’s a rough transalation:

Romeo : Dude, who’s the “figure”(chick)? “Size” is slightly bigger. I’ll keep a bet. I will “set” her .

Benvolio : Dude, you shouldn’t dare. Her whole family has horns. Stop the bet right here. Otherwise her father will screw you where it hurts.

4. Romeo and Juliet again

context: balcony scene , where they’re koochi-kooing- desi style!

rjuliet.jpg

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Aggronomics

Posted by farkandfunk on October 6, 2007

Let me go ahead and say it: I’m not a big fan of this “new-look” Desi team that we have here. Harbhajan and Sreesanth chanting war cries , taunting the opposition , and masquerading about in the field as little hulk-o-maniacs is quite laughable right now. Let’s talk about a aggression on the field :

1. Dravid, in a candid interview, spoke about his opinion about emotions and aggression and how he channelizes it. You can read about it here.

2. Ganguly , with his shirt-swirling at lords, his turning up late for the toss, and fearlessness on the field earned him the public tag of being one of the more emotional and aggressive captains on the field for India.

Now that is aggression. Aggression is getting under the skin and affecting the psyche of the opposition in a not-too-direct and demeaning way. 15 year old kids nowadays can churn out the cream of the crop expletives these days, perform a dumb silk smitha -like body and booty shaking dance, engage in a verbal combat, just to end up looking like sissies when given back the same.

That seems to be the case here. The Indian team chose to stink up the joint with their performances and behavior on the field with the Aussies, and you have to taste your own bitter medicine. Whining about it like a school-girl does NOT help – and that’s what clowns like Harbhajan seem to be doing. It pisses me off when you don’t back up your words with some performances. Talk is cheap.

Word to the team: the T-20 is over. Get over it. Nobody gave it a rats ass till you reached the semis and beat pakistan. The performance was commendable , but let’s see it translate to all forms of the game at a consistent level. There are only 9 (NINE) friggin’ teams that play cricket seriously in this world. India’s cricket-playing population ALONE is probably bigger than that of the current world-champs and a few other teams put together.

Word to selectors/administrators: Stop rewarding individuals for heaven’s sake . Don’t turn them into attention whores.

Word to Sreesanth, Bhajji : Shut the fuck up , and start performing on a consistent basis first.

Crying girl

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Gym Rats and their Ecosystem

Posted by farkandfunk on October 2, 2007

Type Scientific Name Characteristics
Hot chick Rattus superhotietus The R. Superhotietus is equivalent of the queen bee of this ecosystem, dictating its requirements. Its activities are tracked as follows: 10 minutes of chatting up with regulators (gym instructors). 10 minutes of treadmill (5 minutes TV channel change + 5 minutes stroll). 10 minutes of interaction with type mooseumus , during when the decibel levels increase. 15 minutes of cycling , most of which is spent on the telecommunication device with other superhotietus in other ecosystems talking about the mooseumus . Mating Habits: desired by every other species, the superhotietus is in an envious position to pick and choose. But with excessive time spent on the telecommunication device, it is believed that the superhotietus already has a companion and is actually sending mating calls across.
Macho man Rattus Mooseumus A clannish creature, the mooseumus spends the 15 minutes of hi-fiving and stroking the egos of other mooseumus. Being similar in body type, IQ and appearance, it is easy to mistake one mooseumus with another, but each is thus characterized by their own unique marks or tattoos. It spends the next 1.5 hours lifting heavy objects, when it makes a lot of noise. Mooseumus are like velociraptors in this regard, it generally hunts/works out in pairs. Mating Habits: It is possible that the mooseumus might actually be self-sexual, as evidenced by the fact that they spend 30 minutes this time intermittently admiring itself. The mooseumus otherwise shows signs of attraction to the superhotietus. Unfortunately, it is often negated because of the tremendous competition of the mooseumus from within, and it wanders to other habitats to find the same kind.
Rich mid 40s man Rattus Iamsuperfrigginrichis The Iamsuperfrigginrichis (referred to as ISFR from here on) species are a master of camouflage. It makes its way into the ecosystem in formal wear, and magically changes into superhuman clothing immediately. It spends 10 minutes wearing add-ons like wrist bands, head bands and head phones. ISFR spends the next 15 minutes bathing in perfumes from Arabia – thus the smell that emanates from it engulfs the whole ecosystem. ISFR work on each activity for 20 minutes minimum. They are the loudest and they also sweat the most during hard labour amongst all species, often soaking and flooding the equipment they work on. Mating Habits: It is postulated that the ISFR is actually “above” practices such as mating.
Corporate nerd Rattus Nerdophile The Nerdophile is the one of the species that may not belong to this ecosystem. Their ultimate aim is to mutate into one of the superior species in every aspect of life. They’d like the ecosystemic position of the ISFR, the appearance of the mooseumus, and mate with the superhotietus. Sadly, each one of their dreams fall flat on their bespectacled faces. It is a loner, isolated species, more by force than by choice. It spends a total of 1 hour in the gym, of which atleast 20 -30 minutes are spent on watching superhotietus work on its activities. Nerdophiles can be easily identified – characterized by a 2-6 tyer paunch and unsually matched clothing. Mating Habits: The nerdophile isn’t very successful, but it cannot be blamed for not trying. Ultimately, it relies on itself more than anyone else.
40+ housewife Rattus Desperatehousewifus Desperatehousewifus are characterized in appearance by either long Indian ethnic wear with canvas shoes, or skin tight clothing, either way highlighting their overgrown posteriors. DHW have a weakness for bling, and are often spotted with gold around their necks and fingers. DHW spend 50 minutes of their time cycling and running in order to work on their posteriors, but their eating habits might prevent any such progress. They also have a relaxed speed of working, often annoying other faster species who wait for a chance. DHW spend the next 10 minutes on stretching exercises, which often worries the other species and regulators alike. Mating Habits: unknown. It though sends across weak signals towards the mooseumus and regulators. It cautiously step aside the weak advances of the nerdophile.
Kids Rattus EarlyPubertis Earlypubertis is believed to be a primate form of mooseumus or the superhotietus, but with increased IQ. It is often seen to have overgrown body growth, making it look rather grotesque.
Retired Rattus Getalifeus The R. Getalifeus makes rare entries into the habitat, often seeing parallel processing on the cardio-vascular exercises, cycling and reading a novel. It is the most intellectual of the rattus species.

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