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Stat Turd chimes in on MSD, the No.3, and theory of Evolution

Posted by farkandfunk on June 11, 2009

We’ve saw it happen again yesterday. A wicket falls, and the now-familiar sight of  MSD walking in at No.3.  The innings is pretty much the same – lasts about 20 or so deliveries, gets an average of 1 boundary (possibly hit hard enough to destroy a fielder or an umpire from the face of the earth), a few quick singles and twos,  an attempt at upping the tempo, and the invariable dismissal.

A quick look around some of my daily reads (  Late, Prem ) gives you the flavour of the day. The aforementioned folks quite beautifully sum up the flaw in Messrs. MSD occupying the No.3 position .  Not wanting to be left out of the bandwagon, F&F echos the same thoughts  in this section (and pretty much the reasoning), but tries to look some numbers at the same time.

For posterity’s sake, let’s have a quick comparison between the numbers from the 50 over format and the T20 international format.  This will give us the basis for comparison. Some quick differences though:

1. T20 is like the highlights package of 50.

2. Strike rate is key

3. 50 Overs probably requires a little more planning and understanding of the game as it happens.  T20 is a little more slam bang

4. There are definitely going to be many less one-sided games in T20 than in the 50 over format. In fact, there definitely are more close games (keep this in mind).

50 Over format

We all know that the captain is an immensely successful 50-over cricketer. Have a look at the numbers , and let’s compare him to 2 other cricketers:

1. Yuvraj Singh – dangerous Bat and a definite feature in any Indian 50 over and 20 over team

2.  M. Hussey  – often acknowledged as one of the best players in 50 over cricket

50 Over Comparison

50 Over Comparison

That is quite stunning no matter how you look at it. Dhoni’s average and even strike rate in fact betters two of the best in business (though the strike rate is a little less signficantly different here).

An important feature here is the % Not outs, which is implies that there’s about a 26% chance that Dhoni remains not out at the end of the innings. Sweet!  Hussey’s % Not out is a jaw-dropping 36% , giving him bradman-esqe averages here, but let’s not forget that he also bats at No.5 or so. FYI, I also checked MSD’s averages and %Not Outs  in innings he played at No.3 or No.4 and they aren’t significantly very different either.

T-20 : 50-Lite

Now in this format of the game, let’s have a look at  MSDs performance, and compare it with his own teammates . This should be fair enough, since the Indian team is supposedly the best on paper.  Going by the same standards, we can imagine the average to go significantly down, the SR to well up, but hey that’s all good since it is a smaller format of the game. Right?

T-20 International Record -Indian Team

T-20 International Record -Indian Team

Umm…. Right?


1.  Purely by looking at the numbers,  Dhoni’s record in the 50 over game is quite phenomenal so far.  He’s a definite asset no matter how you look at it.

2. While Yuvi’s SR significantly increases in the T20 game, Dhoni’s does too, but not by much.

3. Dhoni’s SR in the T20 game is the lowest – and lowest by a decent distance – in his own batting line up!  I’ve included Irfan Pathan and Robin Uthappa too in there, the former from an “bowling” all rounder’s capacity, and the latter- just for laughs  .


1.I’m not saying that MSD is a liability. Far from it. I think he’s a pretty good leader, and he’s also a great player. His keeping skills have improved leaps and bounds from before, and he provides quite an entertainment with some of his unconventional shots. And I must make note of his running between the wickets – definitely the amongst the best in Indian and world cricket.

2. What he is not (right now-take note again) is a T20 India No.3 batsman- yet.   A T20 innings has 120 balls. Let’s assume your top  6 batsmen play well enough to consume all that. Thus, per head, they get 20 balls each. Dhoni will, on the average, fetch you 21 runs in those 20 balls . Raina – 25.  I’m not saying he will do that every time. But those 4 extra runs are far more crucial in a T20 game, than in a 50 over game (due to the differences between the 2 formats noted above).  Yousaf can fetch even more perhaps – but consistency is key too.  The key here is to give the best chance for the strongest batsmen to propel the score over a longer period of time , eh -for more than 20 deliveries.

3.  Imagine you’ve got Dhoni and Raina who’ll atleast play 10 deliveries each. Let’s assume they play it out and take their singles and twos, and even a boundary on a loose delivery. Now who will you bet on being there for 20 more deliveries after that, and maximizing the score?  Not saying that MSD can’t do it, but I think the smart money should be on someone like Raina (you know I love him).

4.  Shots : Dhoni’s got some, but I think even he’ll admit that the bowlers have him figured out for now. Which is why he cannot afford to occupy a pivotal position and screw up.   For  now,  we see MSD getting  out in a similar manner. He might have cut down the risk of him getting out to his vulnerable deliveries, but he finds it more difficult to score BIG off them.

There will be a process of evolution.  For a person who’s also the captain and wicketkeeper (and Media Protector) of the Indian Team, the process might be a little slower.  Remember Sachin from before (early 90s ) and the Sachin now (post 2000)?  Bowlers , laptop coaches  et al. continuously figured him out, and yet, he kept evolving.

* I had a section with snapshots on “Sachin” here, but it was a complete dud on my part as I had the wrong player itself!! Thanks to Tifosi for catching that. I’ll try to get better info up next time. Apologies on the brain-fart.”

MSD can emulate a Sachin too- Evolve. If he works as hard in his batting as he did in his wicket-keeping (and that’s asking a LOT out of him right now), he’ll reach greater heights. But that is asking a lot out of him right now in the middle of the tournament.


India had a glorious opportunity to get Raina or Yousaf a bat in the previous 2-3 games, and we sort of missed a trick there.

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So long, and thanks for all the fish mate

Posted by farkandfunk on June 9, 2009

So there you have it, the first big victim of the T20.

First this happened.

The Gayle Bitchslap

The Gayle Bitchslap

And then , this:

The Sangakkara Bitchslap

The Sangakkara Bitchslap

And so the Aussies got served with a giant double-decker Calypso-Lankan flavoured turd sandwich.  Not sure what really went wrong. It’s all quite easy in retrospect. If you look at the folks who’ve gotten action in the recent past (I meant the cricket variety, and not what Warnie does for a living these days), we can quite quickly narrow it down to:

Warner ( performed in 1 game)
D.Hussey (chipped in a little in both games)
Bret Lee  (well,  he did play a few games in the IPL and did ok in a couple of them)

We’ve got the rest of the guys, who’ve got caliber but have been inactive for a long while now:

We’ve got a couple of queer looking dudes:
Johnson (what do you expect with such a name , just kidding. decent bowler and an Irfanish batsman)

A what-the-fuck or hopeful selections:
Howritz (though he did bowl ok)

And to top it all , this guy:



Gone is the team you might loathe but respect. A team filled with some delightful talent such as Mark Waugh (the on-side play) ,Warne or Gilchrist, or the dogged determination of Steve, Mcgrath or Hayden , is now not all that jazz, nor is it that awe-inducing. The only guys I ever feel like rooting for is Mr. Cricket himself – one of my all-time favourite players.

First they run into WI, who have this habit of playing 1 match out of their skin (and it’s almost always Gayle to the party), and then totter around later. For Australia, the kings of calypso decided it be the match against them. While Gayle did school the boys from down under on some power hitting, A.Fletcher on the other end provided quite a surprising and stunning start to ease some pressure of the King, and let him know,
“Yo Mon, I’m here too. Dun havfta do it all alone.”
The batting lineup for WI looks fairly good , for now. Gayle on his day cannot be stopped, and you’ve also got Bravo and Smith (who can forget him absolutely brandishing the bowling in a couple of games). But they’ve got this tendency to either have this big game altogether, or fail collectively .While one could argue that that is true teamwork in both aspects, let’s not  reach that far. Hence, we find them either winning big or losing bigger. Plus, outside of the two very impressive opening bowlers, I am not very confident in the rest of them; there’s not much variety. When the going gets tough, I think it will be left to the old boys (chanderpaul, sarwan) to do the work, and I am not sure if they have it in them (unless they play India).

SL too have started out strong. Jayasurya is an older, less consistent Gayle, but then again, 1 crucial innings is as good as gold in such a tournament. Jayawardane and Sangakkara will do what they do, consistently build the innings , and go for the big shots on-demand.
Dilshan is the one that scares the crap out of me. He seems to be a cold-blooded killing machine of late, and really seems to give them a strong dose of agreession and edge at No.3/4. Pretty scary. Their mid-lower order unknowns sort of impressed with their hitting yesterday. The bowling begins and ends with 3M- with the heat-seaking missle that is Malinga,  Mendis, and the Murali (I thought of giving the remaining 2 lame suffixes like mystical and magical respectively). These guys are capable of playing the restrictive or attacking role , and the batsmen seem to play them with a lot of caution.   The islanders seem to have the weapons to succeed in such a format.

As for the Aussies, they’d probably win the Ashes, but bright flame that once was is slowly dimming. I think the cricket-world’s a little more balanced now. For now, we all can heave a collective sigh of relief that we don’t have to see the following specimen for a while:

"Backstreet's back alright!"

"Am I sexuuual? Yeaaaa--eaahh!"



"We suck"

"We suck"

And joy for these gents:

"weee!let's make out and slap each other!"

"weee!let's make out and slap each other!"

"How do you like me now bitches!!"

"How do you like me now bitches!!"

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Jacob Oram reveals his true colours

Posted by farkandfunk on June 2, 2009

When Jacob Oram was drafted in the Chennai Super Kings squad, there was a lot of hope and anticipation from its legion of fans. One hoped that they’d see some destructive hitting when he would bat, and some tight stump to stump bowling at the death for CSK, choking and clogging the opposition worse than the public loos in a local train station .  Dhoni, who seems to have a weakness for all-rounders of the Ajit Agarkar caliber (how else can one explain the inclusion Joke-inder Sharma in so many matches that even he,  if given the option, would  bench his own arse), promptly persisted with Oram in almost all the matches this season. Oram would then proceed to promptly appear in the chennai yellows as consistently as a paan stain on the walls of a government building, a fungus on moist brittania bred, a rash due to a tight tantex underwear… well, you get hte picture.

We all know how Oram did this season of the IPL.

Webster Definition

Webster Definition

In IPL 2.0 (since its SOOO cool), here are his figures:

M    I    NO    Runs    Avg    SR
11    8    2    88    14.66    94.62

M    I    Runs    W    Avg    Eco    SR
11    8    133    5    26.60    8.58    18.60

All rounder. Right.

For someone with a strike rate of below 100 in this format, an economy rate in bowling that looks like batting average (never a good thing for an all rounder no matter how you look at it), an experienced bowler who had  “Smack-me-coz-I’m-AKON’s-Biatch” tattooed on his forehead every time he came on to bowl at the death, he didn’t exactly have an argument in justifying his selection in the team.

Yesterday, India plays NZ in a warm-up game, and surprise surprise, Jo is included in his team. As team India cruises along, JO is brought in to the proceedings. A casual observer and follower of the game in the last few months would think that, oh alright, I guess the teams want this to get over fast, so that they can all go back to their rooms, get some food,  make long-distance calls to their families (or1-800-LoNELY in the case Warnie) /or simply do whatever it is  they do when they are alone in the rooms…

What we witness next is a 3-0-18-1 performance by Oram, taking the wicket of his clubmate Raina , and punking his other clubmate and captain Dhoni in the process. More disturbing would have been the fact that he bowled 2 relatively tight overs at the death, making Dhoni and the CSK think-tank scratch their respective heads and groins in no particular order in shock of what could have been when they sorely needed such control during their IPL adventure.

For Team India, it’s probably a little too early to panic. It was a warm-up game, and a loss here is better than a loss in the real thing. It also must have provided a few insights, such as:
1. the team composition didn’t exactly light the world on fire
2. Ishant sharma can do some damage in those conditions
3. Jadeja is pretty good -but he isnt there yet  – seems to lose his mojo when the going gets tough
4. Take nothing for granted (read: oram)
5. Rohit and Raina are the best bet for consistency – hope they continue on that vein
6. You can suck/not participate in IPL and still do well in the world cup
7. It’s good not to have hear/see/smell Modi

All said and done, the team will probably look like this:
Viru, Gautham, Raina, Yuvraj, Rohit, Dhoni, Y.Pathan, I.Pathan, Bhajji,RP, Ishant  (if Zaheer is fit , he probably replaces Ishant).

But the final word goes to Oram and his likes- thank you for raising the warning bell!

Black Caps ku whistle podu!

Black Caps ku whistle podu!

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Rules of Road Rage and keeping your options open:

Posted by farkandfunk on October 15, 2007

1. Weave through the traffic like an accomplished bra-tailor and shout obscenities at everyone else in the morning. It gets your system all fired up, adrenaline and testosterone flowing out through your nostrils along with all the phlegm thanks to the pollution. Remember , expressing and venting your anger out on strangers on the road is great. It will help you be more calm with the people you know at work and home.

2.Try not to break the rules on the road. But don’t ever EVER spare the ones who do. Remind them of the rules as you drive by, cutting on the other side of the road. Show them the 2 handed birdie, the middle finger as you past them, with both your hands off the wheel. Don’t worry about the safety of others. They should know how to get out of your way. After all, you’re just reprimanding an evil-doer.

3. Pull alongside the offenders and start laughing hysterically at them. Ask them if they must be really proud and on the verge of stroking themselves for breaking the rule. Remember, laughter is good, especially when you’re laughing at someone else’s face. Start farting at will and follow them up with loud sounds and sighs of relief. Tell them how happy you feel to have shared that rather private moment with someone as incredible as him. However, if the driver has a chick next to him, look horrified and tell him how senseless and utterly disgusting he is. If the chick is hot and remotely sensible, she will not want to be with farty-two-shoes and she might get into your vehicle. Keep your options open.

4. If the driver is a guy and he has his wife/ gf with him, you’ve got him at a perfect time. Tell him how terrible he is at driving and that he learns the rules and how to drive first. Tell him it makes him look really dumb and silly. Guy would get so friggin embarrassed in front of his chick that he’d never do it again. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, there’s even a slight chance that she might walk out of his car and get into yours. Keep your options open.

5. If the driver is a girl/woman and has her bf sitting with her, express surprise at her bf’s ineptitude at not being able to teach her. Sympathize with her situation and tell her its really not her fault , and it’s that cave-dweller’s fault that she’s so fucked up. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she might kick the guy out of the car and follow you. Keep your options open.

6. Night-time offense- To annoy the driver behind you, start pressing and releasing your brakes to the beat of a timbaland song blaring loud from your system. The brake lights will provide a psychedelic effect like a 70s abba song on the sorry-assed driver’s face behind you. There is a possibility that there might be a hot chick in that car. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she will actually realize that you are uber-cool and walk out that car and get into yours. Keep your options open.

7. Those Cell-crazy bikers : These guys appear so because of their tendency to drive and magically fit the cellphone between their shoulder and ear as they drive by. They think they have supreme control of their two-wheelers,where as they are actually scaring the shit out with their curvacious projectile on the road. Don’t they just PISS YOU OFF?!?! Pretend that you are Count Dracula himself and stick your head out as you drive along side him and try to take a bite from your his exposed neck. There could be a chick who’s sitting behind him. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she might feel simultaneously charmed, mystified, scared and shocked by your act- most of which is enough to get drive them crazy. She may get out of the cell-obsessed jerk’s bike and ride with you. Keep your options open.

Sometimes, I sit back at home and ponder on some of the things I do on the road against those deviants. I think I may have lost it. Maybe some chick reads this and finds it amusing. If she’s hot and even remotely sensible, she’ll let me know. I’m keeping my options open.

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Shakespeare in Desi Context – from krishashok’s blog

Posted by farkandfunk on October 10, 2007

Will update more by the end of the day! Damn work! Click on all the pictures for a clear view of them.

1. Play:The Merchant of Venice.

Context :2 of the lead characters, Antonio and Bassanio , had a slightly homoerotic relationship (no, really). Here’s the dialogue in an indian context that really defines it. Read the RIGHT dialogue first, and then the LEFT 🙂

SRK and KJ

2. Play : Macbeth

Context: the 3 witches hailing the “entrance of macbeth” in the style of the old village ladies deep down south with all the noises


3. Play : Romeo & Juliet

Context: Romeo and his cousin Benvolio (being Montagues) see Juliet in the Capulet party. Romeo takes interest in the “forbidden fruit”. Here’s an exchange in the quintessential TR style.


Here’s a rough transalation:

Romeo : Dude, who’s the “figure”(chick)? “Size” is slightly bigger. I’ll keep a bet. I will “set” her .

Benvolio : Dude, you shouldn’t dare. Her whole family has horns. Stop the bet right here. Otherwise her father will screw you where it hurts.

4. Romeo and Juliet again

context: balcony scene , where they’re koochi-kooing- desi style!


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Posted by farkandfunk on October 6, 2007

Let me go ahead and say it: I’m not a big fan of this “new-look” Desi team that we have here. Harbhajan and Sreesanth chanting war cries , taunting the opposition , and masquerading about in the field as little hulk-o-maniacs is quite laughable right now. Let’s talk about a aggression on the field :

1. Dravid, in a candid interview, spoke about his opinion about emotions and aggression and how he channelizes it. You can read about it here.

2. Ganguly , with his shirt-swirling at lords, his turning up late for the toss, and fearlessness on the field earned him the public tag of being one of the more emotional and aggressive captains on the field for India.

Now that is aggression. Aggression is getting under the skin and affecting the psyche of the opposition in a not-too-direct and demeaning way. 15 year old kids nowadays can churn out the cream of the crop expletives these days, perform a dumb silk smitha -like body and booty shaking dance, engage in a verbal combat, just to end up looking like sissies when given back the same.

That seems to be the case here. The Indian team chose to stink up the joint with their performances and behavior on the field with the Aussies, and you have to taste your own bitter medicine. Whining about it like a school-girl does NOT help – and that’s what clowns like Harbhajan seem to be doing. It pisses me off when you don’t back up your words with some performances. Talk is cheap.

Word to the team: the T-20 is over. Get over it. Nobody gave it a rats ass till you reached the semis and beat pakistan. The performance was commendable , but let’s see it translate to all forms of the game at a consistent level. There are only 9 (NINE) friggin’ teams that play cricket seriously in this world. India’s cricket-playing population ALONE is probably bigger than that of the current world-champs and a few other teams put together.

Word to selectors/administrators: Stop rewarding individuals for heaven’s sake . Don’t turn them into attention whores.

Word to Sreesanth, Bhajji : Shut the fuck up , and start performing on a consistent basis first.

Crying girl

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Gym Rats and their Ecosystem

Posted by farkandfunk on October 2, 2007

Type Scientific Name Characteristics
Hot chick Rattus superhotietus The R. Superhotietus is equivalent of the queen bee of this ecosystem, dictating its requirements. Its activities are tracked as follows: 10 minutes of chatting up with regulators (gym instructors). 10 minutes of treadmill (5 minutes TV channel change + 5 minutes stroll). 10 minutes of interaction with type mooseumus , during when the decibel levels increase. 15 minutes of cycling , most of which is spent on the telecommunication device with other superhotietus in other ecosystems talking about the mooseumus . Mating Habits: desired by every other species, the superhotietus is in an envious position to pick and choose. But with excessive time spent on the telecommunication device, it is believed that the superhotietus already has a companion and is actually sending mating calls across.
Macho man Rattus Mooseumus A clannish creature, the mooseumus spends the 15 minutes of hi-fiving and stroking the egos of other mooseumus. Being similar in body type, IQ and appearance, it is easy to mistake one mooseumus with another, but each is thus characterized by their own unique marks or tattoos. It spends the next 1.5 hours lifting heavy objects, when it makes a lot of noise. Mooseumus are like velociraptors in this regard, it generally hunts/works out in pairs. Mating Habits: It is possible that the mooseumus might actually be self-sexual, as evidenced by the fact that they spend 30 minutes this time intermittently admiring itself. The mooseumus otherwise shows signs of attraction to the superhotietus. Unfortunately, it is often negated because of the tremendous competition of the mooseumus from within, and it wanders to other habitats to find the same kind.
Rich mid 40s man Rattus Iamsuperfrigginrichis The Iamsuperfrigginrichis (referred to as ISFR from here on) species are a master of camouflage. It makes its way into the ecosystem in formal wear, and magically changes into superhuman clothing immediately. It spends 10 minutes wearing add-ons like wrist bands, head bands and head phones. ISFR spends the next 15 minutes bathing in perfumes from Arabia – thus the smell that emanates from it engulfs the whole ecosystem. ISFR work on each activity for 20 minutes minimum. They are the loudest and they also sweat the most during hard labour amongst all species, often soaking and flooding the equipment they work on. Mating Habits: It is postulated that the ISFR is actually “above” practices such as mating.
Corporate nerd Rattus Nerdophile The Nerdophile is the one of the species that may not belong to this ecosystem. Their ultimate aim is to mutate into one of the superior species in every aspect of life. They’d like the ecosystemic position of the ISFR, the appearance of the mooseumus, and mate with the superhotietus. Sadly, each one of their dreams fall flat on their bespectacled faces. It is a loner, isolated species, more by force than by choice. It spends a total of 1 hour in the gym, of which atleast 20 -30 minutes are spent on watching superhotietus work on its activities. Nerdophiles can be easily identified – characterized by a 2-6 tyer paunch and unsually matched clothing. Mating Habits: The nerdophile isn’t very successful, but it cannot be blamed for not trying. Ultimately, it relies on itself more than anyone else.
40+ housewife Rattus Desperatehousewifus Desperatehousewifus are characterized in appearance by either long Indian ethnic wear with canvas shoes, or skin tight clothing, either way highlighting their overgrown posteriors. DHW have a weakness for bling, and are often spotted with gold around their necks and fingers. DHW spend 50 minutes of their time cycling and running in order to work on their posteriors, but their eating habits might prevent any such progress. They also have a relaxed speed of working, often annoying other faster species who wait for a chance. DHW spend the next 10 minutes on stretching exercises, which often worries the other species and regulators alike. Mating Habits: unknown. It though sends across weak signals towards the mooseumus and regulators. It cautiously step aside the weak advances of the nerdophile.
Kids Rattus EarlyPubertis Earlypubertis is believed to be a primate form of mooseumus or the superhotietus, but with increased IQ. It is often seen to have overgrown body growth, making it look rather grotesque.
Retired Rattus Getalifeus The R. Getalifeus makes rare entries into the habitat, often seeing parallel processing on the cardio-vascular exercises, cycling and reading a novel. It is the most intellectual of the rattus species.

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Sealed with a kiss

Posted by farkandfunk on September 28, 2007

A strange piece of news today.  During an auction ceremony, Ponting was allegedly approached by a “fan(atic)”  who then insisted on planting a kiss on the punter. Apparently the farmer thought that it would be neat idea to get his “fine leg” involved in the proceedings, Ponting got bloody pissed about it and decided to give it a slip. The news quickly spread across the land. Bollywood is reportedly going ga-ga over the implications.  Well folks, it ain’t going to be long before we see this:

 You can run, but you can’t hide “maiite”:

Kiss from a Rose

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Brett’s date with bollywood

Posted by farkandfunk on September 27, 2007

The Aussies have landed. As we all know, Mr. Lee has got a soft spot for Bollywood, and quite fancies himself as a rock-star actor. So what would happen if Brett had been in bollywood? Lets examine.

Brett Hain Na

Brett Hain Na



Karan Brett

Karan and Brett

Hmm…Strange brothers from other mothers.

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Instructions to launch:

Posted by farkandfunk on September 27, 2007

Get your caffeine , get your shit together. You’ve been thunderstruck bitches.

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