Thursday Conversations

( Rated “R” for language. Note to all those who read- nothing personal and this is not intended to be true! )

A conversation between Ponting, Hayden and the irrepressible Geoffrey Boycott.

Hey mai’te , how’z it goin today?

DON’T “MAI’TE” ME YOUNG MAN. YOU BETTER HAVE SOMEONE ELSE FOR THAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

o.k. I’ve got Mathew Hayden here along with me. You know Matt – my fellow Aussie.

ASSWHO? YEAH I DO. A MONSTER OF A MAN. A BEAST. AN ANIMAL

He is , isn’t he.

HE PROBABLY IS A NEANDERTHAL. HE LOOKS LIKE KING KONG ON STEROIDS.

Now hold on just a second Sir! You’re crossing the-

THE WHAT? WHAT HO? YOU’RE GOING TO CRY FOUL NOW ON ME? STOP ACTING LIKE A SISSY LAD. DON’T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A BUNCH AND GIVE YOURSELF A WEDGIE.

*tsk*

YOU WEAR PANTIES?

What? No!

OK. SO WHERE’S HE?

*hmph*

*farts*

:

:

: Hey punter. Hey there “mai’te”

DON’T “MAI’TE” ME YOUNG MAN. YOU AND YOUR PUNTER CAN MATE EACH OTHER IF YOU’RE SO KEEN ON HAVING A ROMP. GOOD LORD YOU’RE A PIECE OF WORK MAN. IS THAT A REAL FACE OR A CARICATURE? YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING THAT ARJUNA RANATUNGA ATE AND SPIT OUT OF HIS GUTS.

what th-?

SO WHAT’S UP “GAYDEN”. HYUK HYUK. THATS FUNNY.

*giggles*

WHAT’S THE MATTER LAD? YOU DON’T THINK THATS FUNNY?

That’s insulting.

IT’S FUNNIER THAN YOUR FACE. IT’S DEFINITELY NOT AS FUNNY AS PONTING’S BATTING AVERAGE AGAINST INDIA IN THE LAST SERIES.

Now wait a minute! I got that huge century in the league game against them.

YEAH I GOT A CENTURY IN THE BODYLINE SERIES BEFORE WORLD WAR 2. STOP BRINGING THE PAST UP LADS. YOU GUYS WHINED MORE THAN AMISHA PATEL IN THE FINALS.

Well yeah. But look at our consis-

CONSISTENCY CAN KISS MY HAIRY WHITE YORKSHIRE-BRED BUTTOCKS. GO HAVE A LOOK AT GABBA. I THINK YOU’LL STILL FIND M.S DHONI’S PISS ON THE FIELD, MARKING IT AS HIS TERRITORY.

That’s just not right!

I ONCE TOOK A SHIT ON THE GABBA. IN THE 70S UNDER THE LIGHTS. BEST DUMP I EVER HAD.

Ouch… easy there ma’ite….

STOP “MATING ME”.

Ok ok.. So what do you think of Symmo?

THE WHAT.

You know, Andrew Symonds.

OH HE’S GREAT. YOU AND “SYMMO” CAN COPULATE WITH EACH OTHER.

What the-?

HYUK HYUK. I’M FUNNY.

*giggles*

SYMONDS WAS TOO BUSY TRYING TO EITHER FEEL UP CRICKET AUSTRALIA’S BOARD MEMBERS OR A MALE STREAKER ON THE PITCH.

well, all the controversy put him under intense pressure –

I WISH I HAD INTENSE PRESSURE THESE DAYS. IT WOULD DO WONDERS TO MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS.

You, sir, are disgusting. Didn’t you once score a double century in a test but get dropped for slow run rate?

IT WAS AGAINST INDIA. HELL YEA I WAS SLOW AND STEADY. IMPENETRABLE DEFENSE. EVEN WARNIE THE NYMPHOMANIAC WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PENETRATE IT WITH HIS BAT OR OTHERWISE.

*giggles*

HYUK. THAT WAS FUNNY. SO HOW DID YOUR BOXING MATCH GO? DID HARBHAJAN KNOCK YOUR TESTICLES OUT YET?

It was against Ishant Sharma. That tall lad.

HE LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN JASON GILLESPE AND ZAYED KHAN. YOU KNOW BOLLYWOOD?HELL I’D LIKE SOME “BOOTY” FROM THERE.

I whooped his arse.

YOU COULDN’T WHOOP HIS POSTERIORS EVEN IF HE HAD HIS WHOLE ANOTOMY CHANGED AND CONSISTED OF ONLY A WALKING , TALKING PAIR OF BUTTOCKS. YOU’RE A LIAR AND A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. AND YOU SMELL LIKE A WET FUNGAL SOCK.

You’re terrible! I’m out of here!

Me too! I’m depressed and out of form.
NO. YOU’RE GAY, AND YOU JUST SUCK . AND I’M A FRIGGIN YORKSHIREMAN , LADS!