Test cricket -What’s testing us?

As I pen this down, the Ashes are well and truly under way- which would translate to England getting their customary beat-down in this famed series.  For all the noise that was made,  if the way the first test is progressing is any indication, it’s not going to get any better for England .  Their batting still shows some promise – with the likes of Kevin Pieterson and Flintoff sure to contribute in the future, but the tall order is to beat this Aussie demolition squad.  A simpleton (Katich),   Cribber Ponting , an offspring of a backstreet boy  copulated with a pomeranian Clarke , a compass North all are piling on the agony for the english.

The questions on both sides remain the less than inspiring bowling attack. Australia is currently undergoing a makeover of sorts,  with stalwarts such as Mcgrath , Warne etc being replaced, and the newbies are not exactly the greatest discovery since sliced bread.  England’s attack on the other hand blow hot and cold depending on the situation, conditions, weather and other such things as UFO sightings and the chances of a successful Harman Bewaja movie.

In test matches, I feel that it’s the bowling that can make or break a test match (along with the pitch and conditions). Recall the nightmare of a game where India took on Sri Lanka at Columbo (952 runs scored) etc. True , it was a world record, Jayasuriya scored a shitload of runs, and Nilesh Kulkarni (remember him??) took a wicket of his first ball delivery.  But what else can we possibly remember from it, except that it was just a miserable game no matter how you break it. Similar to this on-going game, where we know that an English win is highly unlikely in this game even by the end of the 2nd day and almost impossible by the end of the 3rd day ( unless the englishmen metamorphize into Laxman, Dravid, Harbhajan etc).

Games such as those,  drawn test matches, and the fact that there are fewer folks coming in to watch a game at the stands,  have caused many sections to ponder how to modify the format (4-day test matches anyone?)  so that we have less of it. The purists in all of us wouldn’t change a thing of course. If was the case, there would have never been any 50-over games, and there wouldn’t have been T20 games.  We’ll never know what’s good or not, but lets assume we HAD to change something (since change is permenant and all that blah), what would it be?

Typical to my (lack of) style and character(lessness), I’m coming up with  a couple  of random suggestions here.  I’d like you all to spit at, germinate, nurture, these and more ideas, and see what  do we think of all this.

1.  Have a first innings run-rate limit which the teams should be on par or over. This can be calculated and set through statistics (ground, teams involved,  seasonal conditions,  what not).  Not being on par with this could lead to some form of penalization – negate some of the runs scored for example .

Pros: run rate is probably a big criteria in test cricket for forcing a result in a game. If there can be some way of upping the run rate – it might go in a long way of making it more interesting

Cons: This might get too complicated . Similar to the DL method, enforcing teams to think in statistics might attract too much flak.  It is highly likely to cause more controversy if not thought through and tested well enough.

2. Keep the 5 day format – but allow substitutions (perhaps 2-3) .  Increase the stake for both teams in the deal. Imagine some of the possibilities. There could be a situation in the 3rd and final test of a series which a team is leading 1-0. There could be a situation where one team might have 7 bowlers (5 + 2 all rounders)  in the 2nd innings, and just 3 premiere batsmen in the game, just to force the result. Or a team is chasing 350 of 40 overs for a win, and you bring in someone like Yousaf pathan in (who’d normally find it tough to break into a test squad), to try to win it.

Pros:  It might add some excitement to the game, where some new permutations and combinations of players might cause renewed interest and increase possibilities of results.

Cons:  The strategy might not really be endearing to the purists, and the desired results (results, crowds) might not happen.

What do you folks think?  The rotten eggs and tomatoes are in the comments section. Feel free to throw some at this.

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Shady’s Back:

It’s been quite a long hiatus -thanks to travel, sickness, travel sickness, and a bunch of family occasions thrown in. In the meantime, these are the things that happened:

1. India promptly crashes out of the T20 World cup 2009 (mind you, then next T20 world cup is 10 months away!!).

2. Pakistan  gets the cup (Sri Lanka’s time will come), and in the process , Shahid Afridi attains puberty (uh…well..).

3. India then goes off to tour the WI, which Late accurately describes as an inconsequential match-up.

4. Real Madrid robs their fans accounts (and possibly even yours) to acquire a Euro-Brazilian clone (Kaka) and Bipasha Basu’s one-night stand (Ronaldo). Talks of them acquiring Ribery, and also taking over the inter-stellar galaxy is also on.

5. In the green grass of Wimbeldon , 2 sisters have their routine annual cat fight beating each other up before the younger one goes one better. Simultaneously, Roger Federer creates history in the present, but if you’re like me, your heart might have gone out to the brooding Roddick- now 2-19 vs Fedex , and he must be wondering if he has a better chance making it big as a 20-20 cricketer than emerging victorious against the Swiss freight train of talent.

3 Action packed weeks , and a lot to catch up on!! Now sit back while I do the unthinkable:  take you , the unsuspecting reader , into a time warp, back to the T20 world cup to re-live the nightmare. Albeit delayed, here are my ratings out of 10 for the Indian squad:

Sehwag :0 Being one of the 2/3 Indian batsmen who truly appears as “gabbar singh” in the nightmares of the opposition bowlers, hiding his injury was NOT a smart thing to do. As with all things connected to Indian cricket, we’ll probably never know the whole truth, but this was definitely a distraction and baggage the team could have done without. I felt the need to rate him because with careful planning, it could have been a little better.

Gambhir : 4 One of the most improved players (statistically) in the last couple of years for India, much was expected out of “Gauti”,especially with Sehwag missing from the top of the order. But he failed to deliver , ending with an average of about 30 for the series, and more importantly, didn’t get going in the crucial super-8 games. As an aside, is it just me or is Gambhir almost anonymous in the field?! I’ve even heard Javagal Srinath or Sidhu called on the field more often than him!! He definitely has a knack of NOT finding the ball on the field 🙂

Rohit Sharma : 3 After a wonderful tournament in the IPL, and a good couple of warm-up games, Rohit failed like most of his other teammates when it matters most. The talent is there without a doubt, but the atrociously bad shot selection and seeming lack of willingness to struggle through and stay is what bothers me a lot about him.

Suresh Raina: 1 One of the best young players of the IPL tournament and a then-definite lock for the No.3 spot, his presence in the batting order seemed to come as an after-thought for his captain. The move to number 3 for the last 2 games came too late, and Raina didn’t live up to the billing, miserably being exposed against the shorter rib-cage deliveries. A long way to go. He seems like a confidence and momentum player, if it breaks at some point of time, no matter what he tries, it always seems to be a wrong move. Makes me feel even worse for having a man-crush on him, but I still have hopes.

R. Jadeja : 4 Asking the youngest player to win a do-or-die game on his own was not the smartest of ideas, but he definitely tried. The 4 is more for his bowling and his general efforts.

Yousaf P: 5 Never had too much of a chance to express himself correctly, but kept India in the last game. If the strike had been rotated, one never knew what this dangerous man could have done, but again, if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.

Irfan P: 3 Didn’t give India the right break-through when needed. RP Singh: 4 Didn’t carry his IPL form or the purple cap to the T20 world cup, was dropped for a game or 2 and then brought on again. Wasn’t used correctly, and definitely needs to buck up on his death-over bowling.

Harbhajan: 3 There’s no questioning this man’s heart (like he proclaims). He got India some good runs, upping the rate at crucial times, and did get some wickets. But after so many years in the team, Bhajji still isn’t able to don the mantle of the premiere bowler (like kumble has done quite often), and close out a couple of games. Inexplicably decides to become a spin version of Waqar Younis during the final stages, but pathetically bowls full delivers on the leg side- giving away the most crucial runs.

Ohja: 6 Bowled very well when given a chance, and then dropped without much rhyme or reason.

Ishant Sharma :  2 In the IPL, despite SRK’s antics, KKR’s team woes, and the curse of the Fake IPL Player, it was quite obvious that Zayed Khan Ishant Sharma needed some rest.  However, he was chosen for the World cup, and appeared in the warm up games and did well to warrant a start in the XI. Unfortunately, he had again spent it all by then, and looked a sorrowful version of himself . The effort was there, but the body just wasn’t.

Yuvraj Singh: 7 The one man who could actually stand tall amid all the embarassment. Talent is what talent does, and no matter what his character , he proved yet again that he has what it takes to win a game. Has improved leaps and bounds when starting his innings against spinners (used to be a weakness before), has all the shots and more.

MSD: 1 I am not quite sure why I gave him a 1. He got the team composition all wrong at many stages. Dropping of Ohja, not giving Raina , Y.Pathan etc games to get their eye in, promoting either himself up the order or Jadeja in the crucial game, not promoting himself up the order when the situation demanded, persistence with a jaded Ishant Sharma, “team walk-in ” to the media room, the list goes on and on. His inability to even attempt to clear the boundary in the last game was what really ticked me off the most.

What’s your take?

So long, and thanks for all the fish mate

So there you have it, the first big victim of the T20.

First this happened.

The Gayle Bitchslap

And then , this:

The Sangakkara Bitchslap

And so the Aussies got served with a giant double-decker Calypso-Lankan flavoured turd sandwich.  Not sure what really went wrong. It’s all quite easy in retrospect. If you look at the folks who’ve gotten action in the recent past (I meant the cricket variety, and not what Warnie does for a living these days), we can quite quickly narrow it down to:

Warner ( performed in 1 game)
D.Hussey (chipped in a little in both games)
Bret Lee  (well,  he did play a few games in the IPL and did ok in a couple of them)

We’ve got the rest of the guys, who’ve got caliber but have been inactive for a long while now:
Watson
M.Hussey
Haddin

We’ve got a couple of queer looking dudes:
Bracken
Clarke
Johnson (what do you expect with such a name , just kidding. decent bowler and an Irfanish batsman)

A what-the-fuck or hopeful selections:
Howritz (though he did bowl ok)
Hopes….er..

And to top it all , this guy:

Fail-El-Capito

Gone is the team you might loathe but respect. A team filled with some delightful talent such as Mark Waugh (the on-side play) ,Warne or Gilchrist, or the dogged determination of Steve, Mcgrath or Hayden , is now not all that jazz, nor is it that awe-inducing. The only guys I ever feel like rooting for is Mr. Cricket himself – one of my all-time favourite players.

First they run into WI, who have this habit of playing 1 match out of their skin (and it’s almost always Gayle to the party), and then totter around later. For Australia, the kings of calypso decided it be the match against them. While Gayle did school the boys from down under on some power hitting, A.Fletcher on the other end provided quite a surprising and stunning start to ease some pressure of the King, and let him know,
“Yo Mon, I’m here too. Dun havfta do it all alone.”
The batting lineup for WI looks fairly good , for now. Gayle on his day cannot be stopped, and you’ve also got Bravo and Smith (who can forget him absolutely brandishing the bowling in a couple of games). But they’ve got this tendency to either have this big game altogether, or fail collectively .While one could argue that that is true teamwork in both aspects, let’s not  reach that far. Hence, we find them either winning big or losing bigger. Plus, outside of the two very impressive opening bowlers, I am not very confident in the rest of them; there’s not much variety. When the going gets tough, I think it will be left to the old boys (chanderpaul, sarwan) to do the work, and I am not sure if they have it in them (unless they play India).

SL too have started out strong. Jayasurya is an older, less consistent Gayle, but then again, 1 crucial innings is as good as gold in such a tournament. Jayawardane and Sangakkara will do what they do, consistently build the innings , and go for the big shots on-demand.
Dilshan is the one that scares the crap out of me. He seems to be a cold-blooded killing machine of late, and really seems to give them a strong dose of agreession and edge at No.3/4. Pretty scary. Their mid-lower order unknowns sort of impressed with their hitting yesterday. The bowling begins and ends with 3M- with the heat-seaking missle that is Malinga,  Mendis, and the Murali (I thought of giving the remaining 2 lame suffixes like mystical and magical respectively). These guys are capable of playing the restrictive or attacking role , and the batsmen seem to play them with a lot of caution.   The islanders seem to have the weapons to succeed in such a format.

As for the Aussies, they’d probably win the Ashes, but bright flame that once was is slowly dimming. I think the cricket-world’s a little more balanced now. For now, we all can heave a collective sigh of relief that we don’t have to see the following specimen for a while:

"Am I sexuuual? Yeaaaa--eaahh!"

"Who-stole-my-candy"

"We suck"

And joy for these gents:

"weee!let's make out and slap each other!"

"How do you like me now bitches!!"

June 1: a historic day for all of humankind

If anyone’s been watching any form of Indian cricket (specifically T20 and domestic), it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to know that L. Balaji (he of the “Ba-la-ji” fame) is no more the potent, deadly, man-eating force he once was.

It’s not his fault really. He was on quite a high, working his way up the regional and national rung with a string of steady, if not spectacular, performances, culminating in to orgasmic levels in the tour of Pakistan in 2004.   An untimely injury in 2005 meant that he was out of contention for a while , and briefly disappeared into oblivion.

Just when we thought we saw the last of him, Balaji was back, though not with a bang. Gone was the free-spirited hippie-tam  ever-smiling soul from the 60s, gone was the run up , and speed.   Balaji would now start off by running at a spot for a few seconds , not quite dissimilar to a steam engine trying to stimulate itself.  The speed and penetration was quite domestic (no pun intended here), and with bowling coach Venky P in the CSK squad (2nd-best -leg- spinner in India in his days), the  deadly “very slower short delivery” came as a welcome variation to his regular  slow short delivery in his vast repertoire .

Keeping all this, and his performances in the 2 IPL seasons gone by , where more often than not, the batsmen would gleefully lap up his offerings like blood sucking mosquitoes,  one would think that it might be tough for Balaji to bowl even relatively quick and full.  If one were to quantify it , it would look like this:

You've gotta be kidding me

Seems about right, right in between aliens landing here and Johnny Lever copulating.

And then, on June 1st , this happens:

Shit just happened.

and his thoughts:

John A - Touched by an angel

Impressed by the shots that he’s playing…  ’nuff said.

I don’t know what to think anymore.

Exerpts from The Real Karadi Tales

*Notes from our beloved TR’s personal diary – soon to be released into an autobiography titled ” Aatobiaagrapi  : Indha Karadiya  Paarudi (paathya yen Parody?Saaapudaii) “

Naal :01/05/____

Saaru khan ku oru peshal tea

Dai diary,

Machi saa ruku , inaa da kaatarai looku,
6 packu valathai naa innaa da periya kumbu,
Naa valathaen  paaru-  oru singa kutti  simbu.

Dilu vale dulugiyaan le jaayaenge oda Raj,

OSO le iqbal kooptaane vonne  Ommi ,
dei naa adipaen da onnaku gummi,
yenna naa dhaan da veeraachaamy

Inge poraadhu ne girikettu vaerai, anga enne da kizhuche,
ellam tothutu nikkariye , naa podaraen da pichai,
on munji naa yen peecha kaiyea vachen!

Gumtalakada gumma.

Cheena Tea , Japaaan Tea

Singam is King

Bang? Thud? Whimper!….And they’re gone …

Big Effing Mistake- that matters too little.

I’m talking about the awesome threesome. The mainstay of Indian Batting.  The Wall, 6+4Ulkar, Ganghooligan.  It did not have to end like this. Shit, I didn’t want it to end like this. I wanted a royal friggin farewell. The razmatazz, the lights, the works , the shit.  But this is a friggin whimper!

Was it the T-20? All I can think of is- like it or hate it- you cannot ignore it.  I can think of every single soul hooked on to it like it was the friggin plague, watching a daredevils vs Rajasthan Royals match or something, the viewership only equalling those legendary days of the sunday doordarshan screening of Ramayana or Mahabharatha or something.

Nevermind that the Bangalore RC aka royally challenged – sucked more than a state-of-the-art whirlpool vacuum cleaner. Nevermind that we were subjected to the  overexposed and heavily Wrinkled Shah Rukh Khan and his band of bollywood freaks ( included some hot women and some very distubing close ups of karan johar and Arjun Rampal that made me wanna puke my intestines out) like the footage was our only hope of survival.  The fact remains that the T-20 has probably sealed the nail for 50 overs, and perhaps even viewership in test cricket.

I’m fairly positive that Test cricket and T-20 will be the 2 forms that co-exist (along with any other mutant version that Modi and the likes can molest the game out of ). It was the one day series in pakistan, followed by the current test series in Sri Lanka that really showed the effect that T-20 has had on the game.

Alright, lets lay down the cards now. Let’s come clean. Not too many of us can watch the longer version of the game. To me, its quite obvious. Sure, test cricket is the purest form, and the tactical and strategic implications during a game are enormous. But , its just too effing LONG!!! Come on now!!! 5 days???!?! 5 Friggin days?!?!??!   That’s a real horseload of time we got there don’t we?! Man that’s a long time. Even 50 overs an innings one day game seems like we’re asking a snail to break into a moon-walk you know?

And what’s with this whole coach/Manager BS?  I’m really beginning to second guess the amount of expertise that goes around into planning in this game. We had no coach and we did ok against the kangaroos and the rest. Now, we’ve got one and we suddenly SUCK?!?! What gives?   I mean,  I know Murali is a legend and Mendis is a freak, but come on!!!  An Innings defeat!

Which brings me back to the original topic at hand. I can really see the end for the trip.  3 illustrious careers. Think about it. Wasnt our collective hearts pounding every single time Sachin walked in to bat in the 90s? The world cup in 96 , 2001 in South Africa. Sachin was the friggin MAN. You knew he might fail in the big one, but you won’t stop believing in the little guy.

Think about the Wall. The quintessential gentleman. The only guy in our line up who still maintains a higher average outside India than at home. The only guy who was our hope to standing up to the most testing of bowling conditions. The rest of our batting line-up would crumble , get out like we had the diarohhea, but this dude would stick around till the very end. He’d play the bridesmaid role in every big victory, never getting his due credit. But yet was the hero for the few of us who just loved the underdog.

And of course ganguly. The dude’s a badAss with a CAPITAL A. You couldn’t deny it. After the troublesome episodes of the late 90s (betting and all that BS), he was the one guy who really took indian cricket by the collar and dragged it into the next century.  We might hate him for being a little biased against the older guys (like dravid, tendulkar, kumble), but you can’t deny the fact that he was one stand-up dude. He spoke his heart out, and never gave excuses. I cannot forget some of the innings he played from the front – the century in the 01 aussie tour, the 317 chase against pakistan.  He was an in-your-face mo-fo.

And yet, its going to be a fade away for these guys. This could be the last leg of test matches. Or maybe it isn’t. But not too many are watching. You just hear stories about the guys playing test matches now, but everyone’s only going to watch if it’s a t-20 game. It’s like that now.  The finish line is there, unfortunately- the crowd’s gone home 😦

Thursday Conversations

( Rated “R” for language. Note to all those who read- nothing personal and this is not intended to be true! )

A conversation between Ponting, Hayden and the irrepressible Geoffrey Boycott.

Hey mai’te , how’z it goin today?

DON’T “MAI’TE” ME YOUNG MAN. YOU BETTER HAVE SOMEONE ELSE FOR THAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

o.k. I’ve got Mathew Hayden here along with me. You know Matt – my fellow Aussie.

ASSWHO? YEAH I DO. A MONSTER OF A MAN. A BEAST. AN ANIMAL

He is , isn’t he.

HE PROBABLY IS A NEANDERTHAL. HE LOOKS LIKE KING KONG ON STEROIDS.

Now hold on just a second Sir! You’re crossing the-

THE WHAT? WHAT HO? YOU’RE GOING TO CRY FOUL NOW ON ME? STOP ACTING LIKE A SISSY LAD. DON’T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A BUNCH AND GIVE YOURSELF A WEDGIE.

*tsk*

YOU WEAR PANTIES?

What? No!

OK. SO WHERE’S HE?

*hmph*

*farts*

:

:

: Hey punter. Hey there “mai’te”

DON’T “MAI’TE” ME YOUNG MAN. YOU AND YOUR PUNTER CAN MATE EACH OTHER IF YOU’RE SO KEEN ON HAVING A ROMP. GOOD LORD YOU’RE A PIECE OF WORK MAN. IS THAT A REAL FACE OR A CARICATURE? YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING THAT ARJUNA RANATUNGA ATE AND SPIT OUT OF HIS GUTS.

what th-?

SO WHAT’S UP “GAYDEN”. HYUK HYUK. THATS FUNNY.

*giggles*

WHAT’S THE MATTER LAD? YOU DON’T THINK THATS FUNNY?

That’s insulting.

IT’S FUNNIER THAN YOUR FACE. IT’S DEFINITELY NOT AS FUNNY AS PONTING’S BATTING AVERAGE AGAINST INDIA IN THE LAST SERIES.

Now wait a minute! I got that huge century in the league game against them.

YEAH I GOT A CENTURY IN THE BODYLINE SERIES BEFORE WORLD WAR 2. STOP BRINGING THE PAST UP LADS. YOU GUYS WHINED MORE THAN AMISHA PATEL IN THE FINALS.

Well yeah. But look at our consis-

CONSISTENCY CAN KISS MY HAIRY WHITE YORKSHIRE-BRED BUTTOCKS. GO HAVE A LOOK AT GABBA. I THINK YOU’LL STILL FIND M.S DHONI’S PISS ON THE FIELD, MARKING IT AS HIS TERRITORY.

That’s just not right!

I ONCE TOOK A SHIT ON THE GABBA. IN THE 70S UNDER THE LIGHTS. BEST DUMP I EVER HAD.

Ouch… easy there ma’ite….

STOP “MATING ME”.

Ok ok.. So what do you think of Symmo?

THE WHAT.

You know, Andrew Symonds.

OH HE’S GREAT. YOU AND “SYMMO” CAN COPULATE WITH EACH OTHER.

What the-?

HYUK HYUK. I’M FUNNY.

*giggles*

SYMONDS WAS TOO BUSY TRYING TO EITHER FEEL UP CRICKET AUSTRALIA’S BOARD MEMBERS OR A MALE STREAKER ON THE PITCH.

well, all the controversy put him under intense pressure –

I WISH I HAD INTENSE PRESSURE THESE DAYS. IT WOULD DO WONDERS TO MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS.

You, sir, are disgusting. Didn’t you once score a double century in a test but get dropped for slow run rate?

IT WAS AGAINST INDIA. HELL YEA I WAS SLOW AND STEADY. IMPENETRABLE DEFENSE. EVEN WARNIE THE NYMPHOMANIAC WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PENETRATE IT WITH HIS BAT OR OTHERWISE.

*giggles*

HYUK. THAT WAS FUNNY. SO HOW DID YOUR BOXING MATCH GO? DID HARBHAJAN KNOCK YOUR TESTICLES OUT YET?

It was against Ishant Sharma. That tall lad.

HE LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN JASON GILLESPE AND ZAYED KHAN. YOU KNOW BOLLYWOOD?HELL I’D LIKE SOME “BOOTY” FROM THERE.

I whooped his arse.

YOU COULDN’T WHOOP HIS POSTERIORS EVEN IF HE HAD HIS WHOLE ANOTOMY CHANGED AND CONSISTED OF ONLY A WALKING , TALKING PAIR OF BUTTOCKS. YOU’RE A LIAR AND A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. AND YOU SMELL LIKE A WET FUNGAL SOCK.

You’re terrible! I’m out of here!

Me too! I’m depressed and out of form.
NO. YOU’RE GAY, AND YOU JUST SUCK . AND I’M A FRIGGIN YORKSHIREMAN , LADS!

 

Aggronomics

Let me go ahead and say it: I’m not a big fan of this “new-look” Desi team that we have here. Harbhajan and Sreesanth chanting war cries , taunting the opposition , and masquerading about in the field as little hulk-o-maniacs is quite laughable right now. Let’s talk about a aggression on the field :

1. Dravid, in a candid interview, spoke about his opinion about emotions and aggression and how he channelizes it. You can read about it here.

2. Ganguly , with his shirt-swirling at lords, his turning up late for the toss, and fearlessness on the field earned him the public tag of being one of the more emotional and aggressive captains on the field for India.

Now that is aggression. Aggression is getting under the skin and affecting the psyche of the opposition in a not-too-direct and demeaning way. 15 year old kids nowadays can churn out the cream of the crop expletives these days, perform a dumb silk smitha -like body and booty shaking dance, engage in a verbal combat, just to end up looking like sissies when given back the same.

That seems to be the case here. The Indian team chose to stink up the joint with their performances and behavior on the field with the Aussies, and you have to taste your own bitter medicine. Whining about it like a school-girl does NOT help – and that’s what clowns like Harbhajan seem to be doing. It pisses me off when you don’t back up your words with some performances. Talk is cheap.

Word to the team: the T-20 is over. Get over it. Nobody gave it a rats ass till you reached the semis and beat pakistan. The performance was commendable , but let’s see it translate to all forms of the game at a consistent level. There are only 9 (NINE) friggin’ teams that play cricket seriously in this world. India’s cricket-playing population ALONE is probably bigger than that of the current world-champs and a few other teams put together.

Word to selectors/administrators: Stop rewarding individuals for heaven’s sake . Don’t turn them into attention whores.

Word to Sreesanth, Bhajji : Shut the fuck up , and start performing on a consistent basis first.

Brett’s date with bollywood

The Aussies have landed. As we all know, Mr. Lee has got a soft spot for Bollywood, and quite fancies himself as a rock-star actor. So what would happen if Brett had been in bollywood? Lets examine.

Brett Hain Na

BrettKara

Karan Brett

Hmm…Strange brothers from other mothers.

If cricketers were bollywood stars

Who would they be? I thought of some of the more popular ones.

Sachin- Shah rukh
Entered the scene with a bang, always had the talent, promised everything and more , are commercial hits and bring in the masses even now. But both somehow leave the viewers yearning for the glory days gone by, when one could actually score in style and one could act. Both look like alien mutants of their younger selves now, constantly re-inventing themselves but unable to capture the glory of the good ol’ days.

Sehwag – Shahid kapoor
Eerily similar to their Sachin/SRK counterparts in looks and style, but there’s an obvious difference in class. Both seem capable of the long run but agonisingly screw it up so often that you just wish they turn around and go away.

vvs Laxman – Nana Pataker
Middle-aged journeymen who’ve been riding on the wave of a couple of glorious performances eons ago. Seemingly never out of contention, but a performance from either is as rare as a caveman with broadband connection.

Ganguly- Saif ali khan
The indian bad-ass. Both have donned the role of a one-of-a-kind indian captains and villian with elan, attitude and style. After uninspiring debuts (Ganguly in Australia, Saif in gems like tere mere sapne) , they roared back in awesome style.

Yuvraj singh – Sunny Paaji
Fearless friggin’ warriors and sons of the country soil. One can almost imagine them scaring a cow to product 10 gallons of milk for them to gargle with. They expect themselves to go and kick the bad guy’s (and all his cling-ons) collective asses their own place, plant the Indian flag , break into a bhangra and come back. Their hands collectively weigh an incredible 67 kilos, so powerful that they often risk of crushing their balls when they harmlessly scratch it, as all us men do . Both look as if they’ve shit out their most of their brains , and only have their brawns left.

Gavaskar – Amitabh bachhan
Big shots in their own field, prestigious, well-read, and sort-of respected look about them. Still dabbling with their professions instead of spending their retirements taking their families out to Maldives or something. Both have Over-rated kids involved in the same profession, constantly under pressure often threatening to fade into anonymity. Shady politicians at heart.

Shastri – Emran Hashmi

“Shaz” and Kissomaniac for some reason always seem to be eying the women around. And we guys just can’t figure out why they actually drive some women nuts in their heydays. You know exactly what’s coming from their mouths (oft-repeated lines in one case and tongue in the other), just like the sun always rises in the east, just like you know the way to your bathroom, just like cow dung always stinks. O.k you get the picture. Both apparently spend all their mojos on screen and lead a less flamboyant life off it. On a side note, see if you can catch Shastri’s “bodybuilding” tips on ESPN/Star, it’s quite unbelievable that he actually gets paid for that crap.

Dhoni- Akshay Kumar
Playboy image , the ladies around them, and ambassadors of the metrosexual-meets-machismo hybrid. Something seems to be similar about the two- and it’s not just the modest beginnings. Both in recent times have been quite bankable and do a lot of khiladi level ass-kicking.

Dravid and Kumble – Nasserudhin Shah and Om Puri
Flash has never been their thing. It’s always been substance and hard work, and hardcore skills. Consistency more often than not has been their thing. While they will never be sachin/ AB/SRK, they don’t aspire to be either. Have a few stunningly terrible flops and some truly head-scratching decisions along the way in their career.

Vinod kambli – Manisha Koirala
Potential promise at the beginning but sorta kinda screwed up. Fat spoilt kids who don’t fit in anymore in the current trend. Think of it, the chances of kambli diving during fielding are as good as Manisha trying to fit into a thong – which will be like over sized pajamas to the deepika padukones of today.

Bhajji- Suniel Shetty

Overly-emotive and aggro little bullies, giving rise to suspicion that both are definitely OD-ing on testosterone supplements. Started out as Numero Unos but now have to contend with the agony of playing second fiddle to others. They have their moments in the middle of the game – a good crucial over here , a gut-wrenching “I’ll kill you, you baaass-turrrdd” and shoot with a bazooka there. But when it’s crunch time, they crawl into their respective holes and let the big boys take over. Both have a trademark constipated look often.

Agarkar- Nirupa Roy

Like the everlasting itch on the end of the nose, these have been there forever, and just wouldn’t go away. Their job is to simply bring doom and gloom from the moment they appear on screen, and both do it with incredible effect. One is just left to wonder if some things are meant to be. Just like one of them has ALWAYS been amitabh’s on screen mom, the other has ALWAYS been the hole in the teams umm..buttocks.

 

 

 

Sreesanth – Master Bittu

Excrutiatingly annoying- the type where you scratch your long fingernails over the blackboard. For those who don’t know master bittu, he’s an impish little blondish headed desi flower child in the centre of most plots during the 70s and 80s. The one blot in everything cute with kids. He’s the sort of brat who’d always get himself and everyone into trouble. The kid for whom the labourer father works for 27 hours a day in the sun , pulling rickshaws and that sort of ancient thing and buy him a loaf of bread. And he drops the bread on the floor ,claiming he wants peanut butter to go with it. The kind who you wanna bury in sand and kick the head into orbit.Always comes out unscathed in the end .

Srinath – Alok Nath

Both have this pained look about them , as if the whole world has conspired against them. If not , their awesome talent would have led to earth-shattering records and box-office hits. . Both are the epitome of terrible quiz masters, Srinath always asking batsmen questions outside the line of off-stump, and Nath asking his daughters, in-laws, god, and anyone else who could bear listening to him stuff about if he has left any “gaps” (kami) in the arragement of the marriage, if he has raised his daughter well inspite of being a single parent (pitaji and maataji), if the only crime he committed is that he is poor, which is

why his evil in-law counterpart refuses to accept his daughter etc. TORMENTED. Both never got their due answers.

Here are some of them:

Learning the “outswinger” grip from the mother of all moms

Sacrificial lambs – proverbial bakras

“I want my peanut butter!”

ugh…. no words.